Wars, hatred, and political unrest run rampant in our world. Despite predictions of worsening conditions, there is an antidote for disagreement when people meet face-to-face. This strategy is free and available to all cultures. You might suggest tolerance. Or, understanding. And some may recommend love of your fellow man to defuse tensions. Although these options have merit, they are difficult to implement when the parties involved are diametrically opposed to each other and there is limited trust. What I recommend as a remedy is much easier to implement. I’m referring to flatulence. Yes, flatulence and the laughter that follows.
Did you snicker? If you did, you and millions of others are part of the problem but can also be part of the solution. Young boys have giggled about toots for generations. Unfortunately, adults try to pretend these normal bodily functions don’t exist. What parent or grandparent hasn’t smiled at bathtub bubbles while bathing a child? So, if a bottom burp is cute for a child, what’s wrong with an adult breaking wind? Both are normal.
Consider a difficult negotiation underway with limited progress due in large part to the tension and distrust between the two sides. If a participant was to pop a fluffy and everyone allowed themselves to laugh, perhaps both sides would realize they are all human and have at least one thing in common. A small barrier thus broken may lead to more compromise at the table.
So, why is flatulence seen as offensive and shunned? Statistically, we each emit approximately three pints of gas per day in 10-15 episodes. Then why hide this fact if there is a laugh to be had? Studies confirm that laughter is critical to good emotional health. If someone rips one off in your presence and you laugh without embarrassment, your day may be brightened just a bit.
Because a healthy reaction to flatulence is seen as a major tool for society, an organization has formed to promote acceptance of personal backfires. The organization, Flatulence Awareness and Response Tactics or (FART), now has twenty-seven chapters in six countries. Our website, FART.COM provides a plethora of information related to public flatulence including a ratings chart for various personal releases. The chart provides details about emissions from the benign “accidental toot” to the disgusting and dangerous “growler.”
A brief summary of the scale is provided here for convenience:
😁The “accidental toot” may not be heard even by those next to the source nor otherwise detected. Thus, this release will have no benefit on group dynamics and only provide relief for the emitter.
😉At a slightly higher level is “the squeak”, generally heard within eight feet from the source but lacking vibration. The “squeak” may not be recognized by the entire group in attendance and will likely not generate a hearty laugh by all.
😂At the optimum level for group tension release is “the boomer”. This release of flatus should be heard in all but the largest meeting rooms. Low frequency vibrations will be felt by those in close proximity and some olfactory detection may occur although without undue reek. Substantial laughter to the point of tears is likely. Hysterical table slapping and finger pointing with applause are possible.
😢Further up in the personal emission rating scale are “cutting the cheese”, “silent but deadly”, and “ass thunder”. However, all emissions above the boomer level are unlikely to improve group dynamics and may, in fact, be offensive and potentially hazardous.
🤢At the top of the scale is “the growler”. A discharge at this level is an emergency response event with flammable and toxic gases presenting explosion potential and severe health hazards. The intense vibrations may cause structural damage with light fixtures and ceiling tiles falling. Temporary hearing loss may occur to those close to the source. Visibility in the room will be reduced to near zero for several minutes and burning of the eyes will be a consistent complaint among the room’s survivors. Those with respiratory ailments will need immediate medical attention.
It’s clear that judicious use of personal releases is essential. Flatus emissions above the boomer level should be avoided and are not recommended by FART.
Our website also offers educational material for the enlightened emitter. Sections include: “Diet to influence and not offend”, “A Primer on Intensity Prediction” and “Estimating Room Size for Optimum Benefit.”
Blogs on FART.Com provide expert opinions. Recent posts were “Leg Cocking: Is It Ever Wrong?” and “Does Tone Matter? And How to Control it.”
We encourage your support of FART. Your $50 annual membership fee entitles you to the monthly newsletter, a “FART-LAUGH-PEACE” tee shirt and the contact information for your federal and state legislators so you can encourage them to boldly use flatulence in their committee meetings and on the floor. Because of major funding from the Pinto Bean Growers of America, you are assured that 95% of your membership fee goes to promote flatulence awareness and enlightened responses. Please join today. Be a flatulent leader. Whenever you feel the need to cut one, consider if those near you could benefit from a laugh. If so, evaluate the intensity of the release you’re suppressing and if it fits the venue, let her rip! Just maybe you’ll get a laugh, helping others. Regardless, you will feel better.